Monday, April 25, 2005

Looking through smoke

Always wondered what cigarettes were about. I remember being a total dumbass as a kid, breaking dad's cigarettes, pulling them out of his mouth etc etc and telling myself that it was for a noble cause. Guess college makes you a punk unless you are flexible enough to gel into the system and get the better of it rather than the other way around.
Anyway, the smoke, the haze is in front of me and I look ahead and see it stretching out, on and on. Looking behind, I find the same. All my reflections on what came to pass seemed to be clouded by it. Cant get the rights and lefts in place. "Head full of chow mein", here I come again.

"To kill the kitty or not?" used to be a question worth giving thought to. However, once I set out on the hunt, the poor kitty no more seemed meek no more but a predator in its own right. I guess I now know how an 8 year old Lion trainer feels amidst panthers and the like. Will I kill the cat or will it get the better of me? Will I slip further within and ponder on it and bury the stake so deep in my heart that it hurts forever? Knowing myself, as not being kraven in anyway, I guess this will be one encounter till the last bullet and whats worse, the last breath. Who will stand taller? Why am I doing this? Am I, in the words of Leon Uris in Redemption going to "spend the second half of my life overcoming the first half"? I guess, this journey to my own Alexandria is all about catharsis.

Is there some peice of the cake that has my name written on it? If only, the smoke cleared up so that I could see the candle, blow it and wish myself happy birthday.


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