Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Guts?

Been called a wuss again by my pals. Mind you, these are people that I have lived with for the past 4 years and they have seen me over the aforesaid period, metamorphose from the boy that I was to the man that I claim to be now. I cant help wondering whats worse?
a) the fact that I knew that I was a wuss [OR] b) the fact that it was shoved up my face.

Anyway, like all conversations, this one too akin to driftwood, went from bank to bank, meandering irrelevance to the topic and so on, so forth. It then went back to the original context which was, who is the "ballsiest" (pray excuse us if this goes against your preconceived notions of the living language English). So there we were, 3 people on the sidewalk dotted with hexagonal tiles which made a pattern, reading into what we saw other people as when we watched them. I wondered, yet again, finding myself yet again wanting in this respect, trying to bridge the gap between what is and what I want the "is" to be. It struck me that maybe I worship Wolverine as he is all that I am not. My sense of self worth blinked out of existance and there I was guaging myself yet again, wondering if I am useful in however minuscule manner to my own cause. Where do I draw the line between what holds value in the larger picture and what doesnt? It appears that there is no way that one can please everyone. So, theres no point in taking a stand for someone else as there will always be that other someone whose tandards are too high for one to scale. So what comes out is that I man my fort and fight my battle the way I deem fit, which happens to be what I have been doing all along. Isn't this gutsy?
I might not say rude things to others all the times I get bugged, but thats because I dont want them to feel bad. But ofcourse, they cant fathom this. Its natural aint it, when a mother can't fathom her own son's ruminations, then how can someone else do the same? Well, heart rending as it is for me, I can never say like my idol Wolverine, "I go where I want to go, I do what I want to do", but atleast burying a stake in the heart everytime, someone mistakes the right thing for weakness, says something about the I within. Whatever happened to giving people credit for what they are in the big picture of things? Guess, swimming against the flow in the shower of brickbats and tomatoes is what life is all about.
I might not be like Logan, but I guess I'm atleast a tidied version of Hank McKoy minus the scientific aptitude and the simian attributes.

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